Being Emo I Suppose
My best friend is busy this weekend so I had planned on just relaxing and getting some things done. I have some guy friends who live near by and I told them I’d probably want to come over this weekend. They said sure and the one guy even made me promise to come over. I say definately and tell him to call me if they go do anything. Saturday rolls around and after doing nothing but watching tv all day I was going crazy. I’m not the kind of person who can just sit around I need human interaction. I call the guy to see what’s up and if I can come over but he doesn’t answer. I call my boyfriend to maybe talk, anything, just hear another person’s voice.
But the first time he’s busy and the second time he’s so tired from getting up early and working all day that he falls asleep. I don’t blame him, I know how it is. But it was just a let down so I’m sitting alone in my room still. I decide to call the guys and see what’s up. This time one answers and tells me that they’re all three out for dinner at some place and have been out doing things all afternoon. At this blow I hang up the phone and just sit there thinking.
And I’m left wondering… why? My girl friend is busy because she’s out with her other friends. I know a couple of them and I could have gone too but I don’t like to drink or party. So I was counted out on that one, wasn’t even invited. Goody two-shoes me, maybe that’s what I get. But why didn’t the guys invite me out? It’s not like me being a girl should matter, we always have fun when we hang out and I don’t act super feminine or anything. Yet I fell like if I was a boy maybe they would have called.
Or maybe they wouldn’t have called either way. I’m starting to think that I have overestimated myself. If these “friends” of mine really cared wouldn’t I be out of my room right now instead of crying to myself. To make things worse my roomate moved out over the school break. Not that we were close or anything but sometimes in was nice just to have another person in the room. Now I’m alone all the time and I’m thinking maybe I’m not worth anything and no one ever really wants me around. I’m starting to go to that dark place that I fall into when I’m alone. I hate being by myself.
How sad is it that I’m here now letting out all my feelings to the vast nothingness of the web. How pathetic am I that all I can do is type this out. Right now I want to go to sleep and not wake up. To lay down for years and skip this part of my life. I’ve already marked this day off the calander as a waste. Why not just mark of the rest of the month and curl up under my desk for as long as I can? All I’ve managed to do today is cut my foot and drink a lot of water, and that was only to keep me from dehydrating after crying so much.
I have a headache now from starring at the computer screen for so long. I’m starting to get really hungry. I had planned on asking the guys if they wanted to go out for dinner with me, but so much for that. I know my body needs food but right now I feel like I’d just throw it up. I want to keep writing so I won’t have to think about how I feel. I want to talk to someone… to hear a calming voice… to see a familiar face.
So many people want fame and popularity. Others are greedy for money, wanting every bit they can grab. Beauty, intelligenc, power… people lust after everything. But me… I just don’t want to be alone. That’s all, is that so much to ask? I just can’t stand one more lonely night. One more day where I don’t speak to anyone. I just… I just can’t… please someone be there… when I wake up just let there be someone…
Not all days are great, friends aren’t always going to be there for you, and people aren’t always going to make sense, but it’s times like this that make you appreciate the times they do. So keep your head up
Thanks for asking me to be your friend. I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling left out and lonely, but you aren’t alone. We all feel like that some days, but usually a good night’s sleep makes it all better. I just moved into a new apartment with the idea that it was going to be Party Central–not drinking or partying, but lots of noise, people, and fun. Seems that didn’t happen, because after the first few parties, I forgot that I was the one to lead the way, to do the inviting, to get the ball rolling. There’s lots of people out there. Don’t limit yourself. Talk to everyone. Let your other friends and even the boyfriend know that you don’t mind if they’re busy or don’t want to do something, but you are. Look for a youth group in the community or thru a church or school. There’s lots of opportunity–you can even meet people at the grocery store, a book store, or some other hobby type area that interest you. Hang in there. If you ever need someone to talk to, just email me at sultypep@yahoo.com and I’d be happy to respond. Just know that it does get better and you’ve got an amazing life ahead of you. Read the book, The Secret. I know you will like it and it could change your world. You are the Best and good things are coming your way. You’ve just got to believe! YOU can do it! Make me proud!
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