Blog of a Dork

            She’s a man-eater and you’d never know it. She’ll destroy you before you realize you’ve been captured, and that’s the trick. There’s nothing seductive about the way she’s dressed. Loose fitting jeans, t-shirts, converse shoes, all year round. Maybe some long shorts in summer and puffy coats in the winter. Nothing that showed off her body or exposed more flesh than it needed too. Her short hair was styled but hung carelessly. She didn’t put on much make up, some mascara and foundation was all. At first glance she looked like nothing special. She easily fit in with a group of guys and they looked at her with nothing but friendship.

That is how the trap was set. For as you fell into the pattern of being around her you began to notice that she was not as plain as you had thought. Her delicate facial structure, the high cheek bones and defined jaw line. The soft luminous skin, bright dazzling eyes, full lips. No wonder she wore little make up, this beautiful girl didn’t need any. Then you’d let your eyes venture further and you’d notice other things. You’d realize that despite her clothing choice she had an extraordinary body. A slender frame which held more than its share of curves. Full breasts, tinny waist, round hips. She was the definition of an hour glass figure. Then your heart would begin to race. You’d feel a sudden attraction for his girl you saw in such a neutral light until that very moment.

Just like her appearance, her personality embodied no trace of what she was. She seemed to be nothing more than a tom boy. She spoke casually and made friends easily. She joked with you like the rest of the guys and did little to remind anyone that she was a woman. So you forgot she was a woman. So you forgot and grew comfortable with her presence. Then, as you began to notice her physically, you’d start to pick up on her subtle actions. Things that were merely friendly held a new edge to them. The way she batted her eyelashes, the curves of her lips when she spoke. That crooked smile she gave when she was joking. Then there were the motions that pushed you further. How she hugged you when you arrived and kissed your cheek when you left. Grabbing your arm when she was scarred. Standing so close when you walked together.

And then it was too late. You had no time to put up your defenses because the enemy was already behind the lines. She had infiltrated your mind, her influence ran deep. A few days ago she was just a friend but now she was the object of your desire. How quickly things change. You fell for her suddenly, crashed with no plan for escape. She had you and you had to have her. You couldn’t bear it any longer, to be near her and not be able to act on your feelings. You’d come up with some kind of plan, do something to let her know how you felt. Tell her bluntly, say it casually, make a move on her.

Then everything would go wrong. She’d respond precisely to the action you took, crushing you with the blow. She’d tell you bluntly that she just wanted to be friends. She’d mention casually that you weren’t her type. She’d turn her head away from your kiss and push away from your embrace. She’d act as if nothing had changed while the rejection tore you up inside. You longed to be near her but the pain there was just as bad. You took refuse in the friendly hugs and fleeting glances. You made every action more than it was and derived some subtle meaning from anything she said. “See you later,” meant “I can’t wait to see you again.” “Are you coming over later?” became “I want to be alone with you.” She twisted your perspective and turned you upside down, inside out.

Then, when you could bear it no longer and she’d used up everything she wanted from you, everything she could take, she’d be gone. You’d feel relief but it would not outweigh the sense of loss. Was it worse to have her there or have her gone? You didn’t know and you pain continued. You were broken, you were beaten, you had lost a war you didn’t know you were fighting. A chunk of you was left on the battlefield. It was over and all you could do was try to regain part of what was lost. To hope someday you’d be whole again. Be strong enough to love again.

She left proud and victorious, taking with her whatever she had wanted from you. Or so you thought. You had watched her smile, felt her warmth, heard her laugh, guessing that she was trying to win you over. You saw her calculated moves and assumed they were meant to hurt you. You never saw the pain in her eyes when she had to turn you down. Never felt the wetness of the tears she cried because it was too hard to be around you, to know she was hurting you. Never heard the crack of her heart breaking when she decided it was best for both of you that she leave. You only saw what she wanted you to see so you’d think she didn’t care. So, she thought, it would be easier for you. When she was gone she hoped you’d forget she ever existed, but she had cared for you as a friend and pain still lingered in her heart.

Why? She’d think to herself, Why did it have to happen this way? Why did it have to end like this? She guessed maybe girls and boys just weren’t meant to be mere friends. She couldn’t help that she didn’t feel the same way you did, the same way any of them felt for her. She just never did and it hurt her to think of how it must have crushed each one she turned down. It hurt her worse to think that maybe she’d never feel that way about anyone. Her heart was fractured from too many losses like this one that she would never understand. For she saw herself as the plain, simple girl that you had first seen her as. She saw nothing special about her looks or demeanor, no flattering or redeeming qualities. Yet she had been forced once again to break a treasured bond for an unseen reason.

She blamed the boys for falling for her. There was nothing alluring they could possibly see in her. Did the mere presence of a female mean that they had to capture her affection? She blamed herself for letting it happen. Once again she had let her guard down. She didn’t see the signs and then it was too late to turn the car around. So she grieved this loss like all the others. She’d numb her heart a little more and keep trying. She’d piece it back together just in time to have it rupture once more. She’d continue to crush each boy that came across her path and damage herself in the process. She’s a man-eater and she doesn’t even know it.

Perhaps I was better person than most or maybe I was just more observant. I seldom disliked a person and I have never hated anyone. Those who I did dislike I took no action against, I rarely felt any animosity towards them for a sustainable amount of time. I simply didn’t care for them and acted in a neutral manner. I suppose I’m just easy going in that sense. Yet as I looked at the pretty girl besides me with the curly hair and scattered freckles I could think of nothing more than ways to hurt her. For this girl had injured a dear friend of mine and that I could not let pass. I would blatantly let myself be bullied and mocked, I didn’t care a bit if someone walked all over me, but my friends were a completely different matter. At the slightest notion of insult I would defend them with a furry that few knew to be inside of me. For my close friends and good acquaintances I stood firm, I was an iron shield around the group I cared for.

This beautiful girl with natural charisma and polished facade had crossed a line and I wished for nothing more than to make her feel pain in some way. I was not polite when she sat next to me but I was not necessarily rude either. I replied when she spoke but offered nothing more. As she batted her eyelashes and smiled coolly I thought of kicking open the bus doors and throwing her into the street. Of digging my hand deep into her chest and ripping out her heart, making her watch as I ground it under my foot. And why not? Wasn’t that exactly what she had done to him? Made him watch as she destroyed his heart. She came offering love but left nothing more than sensual memories. Snatched his soul with sneaky hands and toted it around like a trophy. Dangled him from a string like a toy that she never intended to keep.

This seductive frame hidden under a modest coat. This silly girl that laughed at his pain and then looked at me with no sorrow in her eyes. I wished sincerely to take something from her that would cause the same sense of loss that he felt. I yearned with unwaivering conviction to crush her spirit but had to hold myself back. For the same reason that I hated her I could not destroy her, because he still loved her. As rational as some may be, as intelligent and clever as we may think we are, one thing we can never change is the way we feel. A heart beats separately from the mind and cannot in any way be controlled. So as long as he still held her dear, despite all she had done, I could make no action against her. The crooked girl with the devil in her soul. She made a parting comment and walked away, and I let her go in peace. I held my actions out of respect for him but killed her with the look I gave her back. Marked her for death the moment I was free to act.

I’m writing this right now because I just really need an outlet. I need someone to talk to so bad but that’s not working out at the moment. I hate feeling like this but it seems to happen from time to time.

My best friend is busy this weekend so I had planned on just relaxing and getting some things done. I have some guy friends who live near by and I told them I’d probably want to come over this weekend. They said sure and the one guy even made me promise to come over. I say definately and tell him to call me if they go do anything. Saturday rolls around and after doing nothing but watching tv all day I was going crazy. I’m not the kind of person who can just sit around I need human interaction. I call the guy to see what’s up and if I can come over but he doesn’t answer. I call my boyfriend to maybe talk, anything, just hear another person’s voice.

But the first time he’s busy and the second time he’s so tired from getting up early and working all day that he falls asleep. I don’t blame him, I know how it is. But it was just a let down so I’m sitting alone in my room still. I decide to call the guys and see what’s up. This time one answers and tells me that they’re all three out for dinner at some place and have been out doing things all afternoon. At this blow I hang up the phone and just sit there thinking.

And I’m left wondering… why? My girl friend is busy because she’s out with her other friends. I know a couple of them and I could have gone too but I don’t like to drink or party. So I was counted out on that one, wasn’t even invited. Goody two-shoes me, maybe that’s what I get. But why didn’t the guys invite me out? It’s not like me being a girl should matter, we always have fun when we hang out and I don’t act super feminine or anything. Yet I fell like if I was a boy maybe they would have called.

Or maybe they wouldn’t have called either way. I’m starting to think that I have overestimated myself. If these “friends” of mine really cared wouldn’t I be out of my room right now instead of crying to myself. To make things worse my roomate moved out over the school break. Not that we were close or anything but sometimes in was nice just to have another person in the room. Now I’m alone all the time and I’m thinking maybe I’m not worth anything and no one ever really wants me around. I’m starting to go to that dark place that I fall into when I’m alone. I hate being by myself.

How sad is it that I’m here now letting out all my feelings to the vast nothingness of the web. How pathetic am I that all I can do is type this out. Right now I want to go to sleep and not wake up. To lay down for years and skip this part of my life. I’ve already marked this day off the calander as a waste. Why not just mark of the rest of the month and curl up under my desk for as long as I can? All I’ve managed to do today is cut my foot and drink a lot of water, and that was only to keep me from dehydrating after crying so much.

I have a headache now from starring at the computer screen for so long. I’m starting to get really hungry. I had planned on asking the guys if they wanted to go out for dinner with me, but so much for that. I know my body needs food but right now I feel like I’d just throw it up. I want to keep writing so I won’t have to think about how I feel. I want to talk to someone… to hear a calming voice… to see a familiar face.

So many people want fame and popularity. Others are greedy for money, wanting every bit they can grab. Beauty, intelligenc, power… people lust after everything. But me… I just don’t want to be alone. That’s all, is that so much to ask? I just can’t stand one more lonely night. One more day where I don’t speak to anyone. I just… I just can’t… please someone be there… when I wake up just let there be someone…

Anyone who knows me well enough should remember I was in a car accident a while ago. It took me a while to not be shaken up about it, and I still hesitate when I turn (I always see the crash in my head).

But I got a new car (used, but new to me) that I’ve had for a couple months and every things fine. Well today I’m driving to my orientation for my new job at Applebee’s. Some damn woman (I won’t say more about her or I’d sound racist) runs a red light. I slam on my brakes (luckely I’m only oing about 35) but I still slam right into the side of her car.

The woman starts freaking out and I can see her yelling at me. But I’m like “<i>wtf, my light was green</i>.” So I have to call 911 and fill out the police reports and the bitch says that I’m the one who ran the light. I don’t know if there was a trffic camera on that light or not but the cop said our insurance companies will have to deal with it in court.

Then I have to call Applebee’s and tell them I can’t come today, and the manager says they can reschedule but I tell her my car is totalled so I won’t have any way to get there and don’t know when I’ll have another car. I call my dad and tell him what happened, my friend jackie, and my boyfirend Elliot. Everyone is freaking out and I have to keep saying I’m okay. My knee is bruised but I’m ok.

I had to get a ride back to my dorm in a cop car because everyone I know up here is either out of town or working. Jeeze, things just things to keep getting worse for me. I hope this whole thing works itself out so the woman will have to pay for a new car. But I’m going to be so freaked out about driving from now on because <u>every time</u> I drive I crash. (Ok, maybe I’m overexagerating, but still.) Jeeze, I’m glad there’s no school tomorrow so I can just sleep all day.

(Well first off, I’m going to continue using this blog as an outlet to get things off my chest.)

No, seriously. I have just found out that one of my best friends, the person that I spent almost all of my time with last year, is not comming back to UK this year. What am I going to do? She was my support, I was able to make it through all the tough times because I could hang out and relax with her. We did our homework together and ate together and now…

This is a lot to handle so suddenly. And it’s what happended to me last year when the girl I was suppose to room with decided not to go to UK. Those first couple of weeks I was so alone and miserable all  the time. And now it’ll be like that again. Maybe I’m taking it too far, I don’t know. But I just felt like I needed to get that all out.

 To that person, I’m not mad at you. I can certainly understand, it’s a but load of money and I couldn’t py it if I hadn’t worked all through high school and constantly durring the summer. I still love you and hope to still see you a bunch.

  I’m afraid that I just don’t have the time to take care of this blog anymore, it’s a shame but oh well. I’m so busy with school, my friends, and my job that I just don’t get around to writing anything anymore. But I don’t that anyone even reads this except my friends anyway so I’m sure it’s no big dissapoinment. I may delete this blog all together in the near future. Thank you all, and goodbye.

  I haven’t posted in like a month, this is crazy. My senior year has been so busy I just don’t have the time to post as frequently as I used to. This is going to be a long post so I’ll just warn you of that in the begining. Oh, just so you know, right now I’m in love with that song ‘Photograph’ by Nickleback. Thought I’d share that with you. It’s a great song, go check it out.

  Where should I start. Hmm… Spirit Week would probably be the best place. About 2 weeks ago we had Spirit Week, which is the week leading up to Homecoming. What that basically means is that for a week everyone has a logical excuse to dress up in weird random costumes. It’s always a blast, some people go all out for. One day I was a pirate (arrg), then I was a hippie (peace and love), Christina and I were twins one day (I’m the pretty twin), and I got to wear a super awesome toga (baby blue of course). A few of my friends did some really crazy stuff. A couple of the guys got body wax’s for toga day (ouch!). Two other guys dressed up as Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen (rather creepy). It was a great week, I’m put up some pictures of it and you’ll see what I mean.

  The Homecoming game was good. We beat the other school bad, but that’s exspected at a Homecoming game. Afterwards my friends and I thought ‘There’s no way we’re going to that gay/lame Homecoming Dance.’ So we cruised around town and hung out at Walmart for a while (b/c that’s the only place in this stupid little town that’s open that late.) That was also the night when ‘smexy‘ became a prominant word in my vocabulary. Yeah that night was super great and extremely smexy (like me).

  My friend elliot’s dad makes a lot of independent films. They aren’t those crappy kind that your thinking of, they are really good. The latest one was called “Dancing in the Moonlight” and it was an off-beat romantic comedy about a werewolf. That sounds wierd but believe me it was one of the funniest movies I’ve ever seen. So, what does this have to do with anything? Friday night Elliot tells me that the movie is premiring at one of the local theaters at midnight. Of course I had to go, there was no way that I was going to miss it. But Saturday morning all my friends were taking the ACT’s and none of them could go. (I got a 30 on the ACT and I don’t need to take it again like those losers. JK.) I knew Elliot was going to be there b/c it was his dad’s movies but he was the only one.

  So I get off work late Friday night and then around 11:40 I leave for the theater. Here I am, a small girl in her small car, driving around town late at night. It was cold and foggy and needless to say I was a little creeped out. I was so sure that I would get there and no one else would be there b/c Elliot had just played some horrible trick on me. But no, I get there and there’s a rather large crowd and everyone seems really excited about the movie. So everything worked out, though I wish some more of my friends could have gone. I seriously need some more friends who just don’t care and will hang out with me really late at night like that. But whatever, the movie was super awesome, smexy even. I absolutely loved the soundtrack.

  Oh, this reminds me. I have a long list of houses that I need to roll. I really need to do that some time soon. It will be really fun if all my friends that said they would go with me do. Can you believe it, I have one friend who has never rolled a house before? Seriously, a senior in high school who hasn’t T.P.’ed a house. It’s sad, she definetely has to go with us. Hmm… you know all this sounds kind of bad now that I look at it. But it’s not as bad as you think it is, trust me. Around here is sort of a tradition to roll your friends houses. We all love to pull pranks on each other like that.

  Have I written enough yet? I think I’ve written too much actually. Then I guess I’ll stop rambling now. I don’t want to completely bore you to death. Huh, I don’t anyone will even read this whole post so it doesn’t even matter. Ha, yeah. That’s all, I’ll try to have a shorter interval between my next posts. Bye. Go Roll Some Houses, My Readers!

 

  Well I gues the title about covers it. So I’m leaving school Monday, trying to get home so I can have a little time to rest before I go to work. I get in my car, put on my seat belt, turn up the music, and back out of my spot. My car is completely out of the spot and stationary. I reach down to put it in drive, look up, and-BAM! A big, red Bravada backs right into the front passenger side of my poor little Nisan Sentra. I’m like ‘WTF?’ Then this tiny little goth chick jumps out of her gigantic SUV and was like “OMG, I didn’t even see you there!” And I was thinking ‘Yeah well you obviously didn’t look in your rearview mirros, because even though you car is 3 times the size of mine and a far larger vehicle than any person needs, you still should have seen me there.

  So the police officer posted at our school (who is a really sweet old guy) comes over and fills out the accident report. He asked me what happened and I told him. Then he asked her what happened and she says “Oh, we both just backed up at the same time and ran into each other.” That made me rather angrey because it was obviously her fault and she was trying to spread some of the guilt onto me. But he checked out the damage on our cars and on the accident report says that it was her fault so whatever.

  Oh, and let’s talk about the damage while we’re at it. Her gigantic monster mobile gets a bit scratched up on the bumper. My poor little baby now has a huge dent in the front of the passenger side door and the hood. I mean it’s a seriously big dent. My dad check it out and he was said there was no way he could fix it himself. Then today on my way to school it was making this wierd noise and I kept thinking it was going to explode or something. It turned out the the tire was just rubbing against this little peice of plastic which my dad popped back into place so that’s no big deal.

  I guess the positive side to this is that it wasn’t my fault and her insurance will have to pay for it. Also, my mom said that while it was in the shop we could maybe get it a new paint job. Yay! My poor car’s paint is badly faded and rather… splotchy. It would be nice to have it painted one solid, cool color. Green maybe! But, oh well. I guess I’ve discussed it enough now. It was the only thing that any one in my second period could talk about. Andrea told me “I’m would throw down for you if you want to fight her.” I graciously declined the offer but it’s goos to know that some people have my back. Okay, that’s all. Go drive safely, My Readers!

  I have to tell you about what may have been the funniest thing that I have ever seen/heard. It was in 4th period, because that’s where we do all the fun stuff. We were put in groups of 2 and had to do these demonstrative speeches (a speech explaining how to do something). Most people did like ‘How to make cookies’ or ‘How to build a bird house’ or something like that. In other words, most of them were lame and borring. The speech that Brittney and I did was ‘How to fight dirty’. It was funny to us and our friends because it contained a few inside jokes but no one else really seemed to get it. Whatever, it was intelligent humor and they’re all dumb. Anyway, this story is not about my speech.

  Two of my friends gave a speech intitled ‘How to make a pirate, for dummies’. One of the guys was John, but his part wasn’t funny because he’s gay. Not politically correct gay, just everyone hates you and wishes you would die gay. (Laughs with anyone who gets that reference.) But Elliot was also in the group. For those of you who don’t know Elliot I will have to describe him so you can get a mental image, which you may need to see the humor in this. Elliot is one of those tall (about 6 feet), lanky guys. He has this shaggy hair that sticks out all over the place. In general, he just looks like a big dork (which he is). He’s one of those kids that is really quiet in class and most people think he’s shy. But if you know him, then you know that he is one of the funniest people ever. But, I digress.

  So imagine this tall, geeky looking guy who you always thought was a shy kid. And he starts pacing back and forth across the room, his hand on his chin with that ‘I’m concretrating’ look on his face. Then he begins to tell you how to make a pirate. Everything: the conception of the pirate, training him, educating him, and getting him a job. When he finishes the speech he stops pacing, turns toward the class, and with a completely straight face and a stern voice he loudly says “Arrggg” and goes back to his seat. Now, I don’t know if you can get the full effect of the humor without being there and actually knowing Elliot, but you should still find this rather ammussing. Or maybe not, I don’t know. But it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen/heard. Christina and I were laughing so hard. I nearly fell out of my chair. I seriously thought something inside of me was going to burst if I did not stop laughing so hard.

  So anyway, that was extreemely funny and I just thought I would share it even though most people probably won’t find it interesting. Of course, afterwards we got into the age old debate of ‘Pirates vs. Ninjas’, but that’s a completely different story. So remember, September 19th is National Talk Like A Pirate Day (Seriously, I couldn’t make that up. Look. It’s true.) Be sure and mark that on your calander (incase it’s not already on there). Now comment you landlubbers or I’ll make you walk the plank. (Joking, I don’t actaully have a plank.) Arrg to you, My Readers!

  Uhh… I don’t have mcuh to say so whatever… let me think. I just thought I should update I don’t really have any breaking news or anything. Well, first off I would like to say that I love my fourth period. It’s great! We don’t really do much, I hang around and joke with a few of my friends (I think we really annoy the teacher). But it’s English class and I’m a senior so you know what that means, yep, portfolios. Oh, how I hate portfolios with a fiery passion. It’s not that I don’t like writting, that I enjoy, but I don’t like doing in on demand. Actually, I can’t do it on demand. I can’t have a teacher tell me, “Write an interesting creative piece of work by Tuesday morning.” That’s not how it works. Oh well, I’m sure I will manage to pull something together that will get me a proficient. But, aside from the whole portfolio thing, I love 4th period. The teacher is a ton of fun too. Christina *winks at Christina* knows what I’m talking about. Oh, good times. Alright, that’s about all I have to say for now. I’ll try to post again sooner or later. Peace out My Readers!